So, how do I best reach the teenage boy in my life?

As the mother of 4 and youth director of many more, I am often asked how I handle difficult situations with children without losing my cool or alienating my children. Though I have worked with teenage boys and girls for the past 5 years, I really didn’t have an especially good answer to the question above. So I took the question to Shari Wilson, an experienced high school educator and counselor who also volunteers in Youth Education at Unity Temple on the Plaza.

Here is a list of suggestions from Shari Wilson

As a high school teacher for the past six years, I have seen a trend in a higher number of discipline referrals for teenage boys versus teenage girls. Often when I make a phone call to a parent about his or her son acting out in class I hear the same exasperated voice on the other end of the line, “I just don’t know what to do with him!” So what is it about raising teenage boys that is so difficult? Much of what I have learned through research and observation is that teenage boys are acting out in response to the expectations that society has placed on them. As a society we tend to expect boys to be tough – to hide any feelings of fear, uncertainty, loneliness, and need. Unfortunately, we have done a disservice to men and boys in our society by expecting them to hide behind a mask of masculine bravado. Once boys reach adolescence they find themselves trying to live up to a new level of social responsibility. According to clinical psychologist and author Anthony E. Wolf, “they are expected to ‘man up,’ to become leaders, wage earners, models of self-sufficiency. They are expected to succeed in the working world, to be the risk-taker in initiating social and dating relationships, yet still somehow remain sensitive and open to females as equals and partners. Because they feel totally unprepared to meet the challenge, the result can be either fight or flight— aggression and rebellion or retreat and withdrawal.” They also often feel that it is necessary to handle their problems alone. According to Brad Munson, “a boy is not expected to reach out -- to his family, his friends, his counselors, coaches, or teachers -- for help, comfort, understanding, and support. So he is simply not as close as he could be to the people who love him and yearn to give him the human connections of love, caring, and affection every person needs. The problem for those of us who want to help is that, on the outside, the boy who is having problems may seem cheerful and resilient while keeping inside the feelings of being troubled, lonely, afraid, and desperate.” It can be difficult to detect what is really going on with a teenage boy below the surface until it becomes obvious when they go "over the edge" and get into trouble at school, start to fight with friends, start drinking and/or taking drugs, erupt into physical violence, or are diagnosed with clinical depression.

1. Be attentive and sensitive
First, act fast. Do not let a boy’s withdrawal go too far. Parenting expert and author Susan Morris Shaffer states, “Teenage boys are one of the groups at greatest risk for suicide, and it’s important that parents keep an eye out for self-destructive behaviors.” These behaviors can range from bad grades to rowdy behavior, from "seeming quiet" to manifesting symptoms of depression, from using drugs or alcohol to becoming a perpetrator or victim of violence. Understand that he is not doing these things to hurt you, so try not to take it personally.

2. Talk to him and understand him
The second step is to talk to boys so that they do not feel afraid or ashamed to share their true feelings. Be patient with them, do not push, and do not nag. Be gentle and kind. Show your boy that he means a lot to you and that you are proud of him. Avoid lectures or long conversations and try ‘small doses’ of intimacy. Try to just deal with one or two problems at a time.

3. Give him time
Boys who do share their feelings often take longer to do so than girls do. A girl might open up when asked the first time but boys will refuse when approached the first time. We need to learn how to give boys the time they need and recognize the signals in their words and actions that they are ready to talk. A boy usually has to set the clock himself. He has to determine how much time he needs to remain silent before opening up to share his feelings. If we learn to become sensitive and respect his emotions, it will make it easy for him to be honest about the feelings behind the mask.

4. Don’t hyper-parent

According to parentteen.com, hyper-parenting is when parents over-book their children. They are trying to live vicariously through their children. Numerous factors show that over- scheduled and sleep deprived teenage boys produce less and have a higher level of anxiety as adults. It is healthy for boys to be involved in activities, just be aware of how much pressure you are placing on them and know when it is time to cut back.

5. Set limits

Do not feel bad about setting limits. Your son undoubtedly will resist, but he still needs—and even wants—boundaries to be set for him. Make sure that you have clear consequences, both positive and negative and put it in writing. Have a family meeting when setting limits and consequences using your son’s experience and input in the process. It is also very important that you are consistent in following through with what you have agreed upon.

6. Find a male mentor

With or without a dad in the picture, a boy needs healthy contact with other boys and other male adults, too. Consider seeking out a mentor program sponsored by local churches or clubs run by carefully screened and trained adults. These programs give teenage boys contact with male adults as well as peers, working on civic projects, going on trips, or just hanging out.

7. Tell them “I love you”

Josh and James Weidman – a father and son team – talked to hundreds of teenagers and created a list of seven stunning messages for dads, but I think these messages are universal. Here are the messages of these teens:

o Tell me you love me

o Love me with actions, not just words

o I need your friendship

o You’ve always been my hero

o I need you to listen

o Be my coach

o Help me figure out who I am

I think that these are words that we can all follow. Keep in mind that the younger you can start this process, the better adjusted your son will be. You do not have to wait for there to be a problem to follow these steps. Also, know that these suggestions are not only for parents, but can be used by other family members, friends, teachers, counselors, and coaches.

Shari Wilson is in her sixth year as a science teacher at Olathe East High School. In May 2009 she will earn her Master’s degree in School Counseling from Emporia State University. Shari lives in Kansas City with her husband Blake; two dogs, Lily and Sawyer; two cats, Smeagol and Flea; and two finches. She loves watching wildlife, hiking, and gardening. Her dream is to own a family farm and retreat center with her husband where physical, mental, and spiritual health are promoted.